Values - Week 2 SYL

 

I did an exercise like this years ago when my second boy was just a baby. At the time I was doing group therapy in Mindfulness because I had been diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and was participating in a study at Macquarie university to test the effectiveness of Mindfulness compared with Cognitive behaviour therapy.

I can't remember what I listed as my values back then, and don't know how much they have changed since then, but I do know that at the time it helped me immensely, because pretty much every decision you make, every goal you set, will be (or should be) in some way based on your values.  If you aren't clear on what your values are, then it is virtually impossible to align your goals and decision making with your values.

When I read through Debra Dane's list the ones that stood out as being most important to me were, learning, intuition, dependable, open-mindedness, authenticity, nurturing, family, resilience, self-development, success, integrity, happiness, courage, and originality.

My top five are:


1. Family
2. Authenticity
3. Learning
4. Courage
5. Happiness


Family is absolutely without a doubt the thing that is most important to me on the list. I am pretty sure it was my number one 7 years ago when I did the Mindfulness course. However, although it is number 1 for me,  it is something that I have worked on so much in the last 7 -10 years, that it comes naturally, and my goals and decisions usually reflect that. 

Choosing my second value was more difficult, but at this point in time I am going to choose *authenticity*. Sometimes I feel like I make decisions based on what I think that other people think, and let's face it, that is not the way I want to live my life. I want to make sure that the decisions I make are mine. Not that I think I am 'inauthentic', but I think sometimes I give too much weight to what others think, or what they may think. I also think that sometimes I go along with things or avoid things, because I don't want people's disapproval, or I want to make them happy. I am too diplomatic sometimes, because I want people to like me. I want to have the confidence to say what I really think and be open with my thoughts and accept that some people may not agree with me, and that's ok. 


My third is learning. I am a great believer of the importance of education, both for myself, my husband, and my children. I don't always believe that mainstream education does a very good job of igniting the love of learning. I am embarking on some more study again this year which I feel is important for my value, but I also want to make sure that my children grow up with a love of learning.

My fourth value, courage, I talked about a bit with authenticity, but it is broader than that. It is courage to stand up for my values, to make choices based on my values, to be a little 'fearless', to not be scared of the answer being no.  It is courage to put my family first - ALL.THE.TIME. Because that is important to me. I guess I want to be more courageous with the big things and the little things. I have lost quite a lot of confidence since becoming a mother, and I think one of the ways to get that back is by pushing myself out of my comfort zone and 'feeling the fear and doing it anyway'. 


And happiness is my 5th. If I think about it for longer I will probably move it higher up my list, as I think that it is really important. I had a breakthrough moment last year when someone asked me my definition of success. I didn't find it easy to come up with a definition, and thought about it over the following few weeks. After lots of thought, he shared his definition with me which was 'happiness', and although it may be a bit simplistic, I think there is a lot of truth in it. I would like my definition of success to be happiness. If I am happy then I am successful. If I am happy, and my family is happy, then surely we are on the right track? Conversely, if any of us are not happy, then surely we need to re-assess things. I guess that happiness is my canary in the mine - if we are not happy then something is wrong. 


So there you have it, what may be my longest blog post ever. If you have managed to get this far then - wow! I'm impressed! 


What are your values? 


I'm linking up with here with week 2 of SYL, head on over to read more about values.
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Inner Peace

This was in an email from the FlyLady this morning. Apparently the author is anonymous, so I can't give proper credit, but I just loved it so much I wanted to share it.

SYMPTOMS OF INNER PEACE

1. Tendency to think and act spontaneously, rather than from fears based on past experiences.
2. An unmistakeable ability to enjoy each moment.
3. Loss of interest in judging self.
4. Loss of interest in judging others.
5. Loss of interest in conflict and one-upmanship.
6. Loss of interest in interpreting actions of worry.
7. Loss of ability to worry (This is a SERIOUS symptom!).
8. Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
9. Feelings of contentment and connectedness with others and with Nature.
10. Frequent attacks of smiling.
11. Increased susceptibility to love and to "passing it forward."
12. Increased tendency to let things happen rather than make things happen.

NOTE: If you have all or even most of the above symptoms, your condition of Inner Peace may be so far advanced as to be untreatable!

Sweet Poison

Have you read the book Sweet Poison by David Gillespie?  A few of my friends were raving about it last year, but I've only recently had a chance to read it. David, the author, is the father of six young children (including one set of twins) and was 40 kilos overweight when he set out to investigate why he, like so many in his generation, was fat. He researched the latest medical findings on diet and weight gain and argues that not only does sugar make us fat, but it is also poisoning us, and is responsible for many of the illnesses in our society such as diabetes, heat disease, stroke, and probably has a strong role in other illnesses such as cancer. 

His argument is pretty convincing (at least to me, I'm not sure if someone with a medical background would find flaws in his argument).

I decided that I would like to give it a go. Not only for the health benefits that he argues, but also because over the last year a couple of kilos have crept on. A couple when I started studying Law, a couple more from the stress of moving interstate, and now a couple from a cold winter and finally finishing breastfeeding. I know that if I don't do something now, then it will become a bigger problem that will be much harder to tackle later. I can still fit into my clothes, but they are feeling tight, and I can't afford to buy a new wardrobe and will find it depressing if I have to buy in a bigger size. 

I haven't figured out all the details of my 'no sugar' challenge for myself, but I haven't had anything with obvious sugar in it since Monday. My little children have been sick this week, which has made it even harder. I have felt very stressed and immediately wanted to reach for a block  piece of chocolate or a slice of cake. Instead, I have been trying to be mindful, and listening to my body and telling myself that it isn't hunger but anxiety. When I have been mindful and paying attention to my body, I can feel the anxiety (and it is very much a physical feeling, tightening) across my upper chest and shoulders. I have been trying to observe this feeling, and letting it be, beathing, and trying to let it go. It isn't perfect, but it helps. If I still feel the need to eat, then I have a cup of tea, or a handful of almonds. Monday was really hard, Tuesday wasn't too bad, Wednesday was the hardest. Today has been ok so far, but afternoons and evenings are the time when I usually indulge. 

One reason why I am finding it particularly difficult is that these little sugary treats (particularly chocolate) is my little bit of luxury in my day, the time for me all by myself. Long days at home as a SAHM can be very trying, and I see this as my reward. I know that it will be hard to change, as it is a form of addiction, and if I am going to break it, then I need to find replacements. I really want to do this. 

Do you eat much sugar? Do you think of it as a great evil, or something to be had in moderation?

Have you ever quit an addiction? What did you find helped you do it?

Mindful Eating - part 2

I haven't done quite as well as I would have liked with the mindful eating in the past couple of days - I have done it once. I have been more aware of what I eat, but have only done proper mindful eating once. It was yesterday, I had made dinner, the boys were sick (therefore not hungry), and Papa Bear decided to take Molly May for a walk before dinner. I was starving, so I grabbed a bowl of soup and, excited by the prospect of 10 mins uninterupted, I automatically headed for the computer to read a couple of blogs and check my email. Then I stopped myself, and realised that this was a rare opportunity to eat mindfully, so I reluctantly did. I sat at the table, facing out to the garden where it was softly sprinkly rain and the sky was grey. I listened to the sounds around me, inhaled my food, lingered over the taste and creamy texture of my hot fennel and leek soup. As I consumed it, I felt consumed by the experience. It was wonderful.

Taking time out to eat as a mum can be hard enough, let along getting a bit of peace to try and do it mindfully. Have you had the chance to try it yet?

* Just came across Diary of a SAHM's new IBOT link through My Big Nutshell, so am joining in

Anxiety and Mindfulness

About 6 and a half years ago after I had my second baby I started experiencing severe anxiety. It was all consuming, and terrifying. Absolutely constant. I tried to alleviate the feelings I was experiencing by running away from it. I found that the only time I didn't experience the symptoms as much was when I was busy, so I started going to as many playgroups and other similar activities that I could, and spend most of the rest of the time walking around shopping centres. It seemed that as long as I was out and about I was OK, but when I was at home with nothing to distract me, I was a wreck. I couldn't sleep, because as soon as everyone else was in bed, was the only time in the day that my mind was alone, so it seemed to go out of control with all the terrible thoughts that I had tried to escape during the day. Most of my anxiety revolved around something happening to my family. We were struggling on one income living in Sydney, so I didn't think I could afford to see a psychologist, but I happened to come across an advertisement that Macquarie University was running a study to test how different therapies worked on people with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). I signed up straight away, and once properly diagnosed I was assigned to the Mindfulness Group. Despite having done a degree in Psychology, I hadn't heard much about Mindfulness and was intrigued. It was my one hope, so I tried as hard as I could in this course, and at the end of it I felt as close to cured as possible. In the years since, in times of stress, I have felt the black cloud of anxiety loom, but I have felt that I had a weapon to fight it with.

At the same time I was also experiencing really bad headaches. I had had migraines since early adolescence, and could cope (ish) with them, but these were a type of headache that I hadn't experienced before and were in addition to the migraines. I felt it was too much for me to take. I saw a doctor who very gently asked if I had also been experiencing any anxiety. I was surprised by this question, as it hadn't occurred to me that the two were connected in any way. I told her how I had enrolled in the study, and she thought this was a good idea.

At the end of the mindfulness course, not only had the anxiety subsided, but the new headaches that the doctor thought were related to anxiety were gone, AND miraculously the migraines also disappeared almost completely.

Last week I wrote about my allergies which have really been getting me down. One of the symptoms is a virtually continuous headache. I have decided to go over my mindfulness notes from my course, and see if practising the techniques, and see if it helps. So, I have decided to help keep me motivated I am going to share it with you, and try and write a bit each week (daily would be better, but I am not sure I can promise that!) about mindfulness. Mindfulness has been shown to be helpful in many things apart from Anxiety, such as depression, weightloss, stress, and just generally good for you regardless, so I really encourage you to read along and give some of the techniques a go. Like anything, it is about starting small and building up - practice! And most importantly, be kind to yourself!